On Christians and sex...and..."Christian Sex Experts"...
My wife and I are life-long Christians. So...when we set out to make our sex life better...we were concerned that we did it in a way that would please God...not just us.
These means that the result of our "sexual journey"...revealed in our books and other resources...are unique...because the two...full expression of sexuality...and Christianity...are equally important.
This led to others (mostly the media) referring to us as "Christian sex experts." Even we think it's a pretty silly title. But...
We're okay with it because it does address the unique nature of our work...helping couples to completely and fully express their sexual natures...as Christians. Being a modern Christian has it's unique benefits and challenges...especially in the area of sex...and we take pride in helping other Christians to navigate these challenges smoothly.
For over a decade now, we have been actively involved in this area and, consequently, we have seen...certian negative ideas...or themes...that unnecessarily keep Christian married couples from everything that God intended for them...we call these "The Biggest Christian Sex Lies"...
Lie 1: Sex "Shouldn't" Be As Important In A Christian Marriage.
Did you realize that the divorce rate among Christian married couples is exactly the same as that of non-Christian couples? The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers presented a study of the major reasons for the failure of marriages. They ranked "failed expectations or unmet needs" as the biggest cause of divorce. And, in my experience those "failed expectations and unmet needs" are usually in the bedroom! In my research, I've consulted with Pastors and Christian sexual counselors and documented...literally...every Scripture that deals with sex.
And you know what this research revealed?
Sex in a Christian marriage is...more...important
than in a non-Christian marriage!
Lie 2: "Good" Christians Repress Their Sexual Needs And Desires.
I'll address this idea first with one of my favorite C. S. Lewis quotes...
"Christianity is almost the only one of the great religions which thoroughly approves of the body - which believes that matter is good, that God Himself once took on a human body, that some kind of body is going to be given to us even in Heaven and is going to be an essential part of our happiness, our beauty, and our energy...Christianity has glorified marriage more than any other religion: and nearly all the greatest love poetry in the world has been produced by Christians. If anyone says that sex...in itself...is bad...Christianity contradicts him at once..."
Christians have a pretty bad reputation when it comes to sex and sexuality. Within popular culture, Christians are portrayed as either sexually repressed or sexually deviant hypocrites. This is predictable- Jesus told us that the world would not understand us (Actually, he said it would hate us because of Him).
This might not be so bad...if we didn't believe these false ideas...too... and used them to judge and condemn each other...
It is understandable. Many of the "authorities" to which we seek guidance have, at times, given us incorrect information regarding Christian sexuality and its relationship to pleasing God (holiness). These false ideas can have particularly strong negative effects on Christian women. Many times, we have heard Christians express their confusion with this topic in the following ways...
"How can I be pleasing to God and be a sensual, sexual, person?"
"I can not imagine that being that passionate is very Christian-like..."
"My spouse would never respect me if I did that..."
Within Christianity...as explained by C. S. Lewis above...there is no struggle between holiness and sexuality (within marriage). The idea that we are to avoid physical pleasure to achieve spiritual holiness is not a Christian concept. It was proposed by the philosopher Plato and it is where we get the term "platonic." Followers of this "platonic" philosophy look at the physical world, including sexuality, as lesser "shadows" of the better, "spiritual" things. It pits the physical and spiritual against each other. To pursue one was, by definition, to lose the other.
Unfortunately, this idea that our God-given sexuality...drives...and needs...are somehow...wrong...or sinful...or at least... something to be ashamed of... still hangs over many Christians like a dark cloud.
Lie 3: Christian Women Aren't Really That Sexual Anyhow.
This is one of the most common (and damaging) "Christian sex lies." This myth has caused countless Christian couples to experience lifetimes of sexual disappointment. But, once you learn...the truth...about female sexual response and arousal, you realize how silly this lie is...scientifically...women have 10X (Yes...Ten Times) the sexual potential of most men.